|
"We are now Y to K compliant"
To: My Boss
From: Secretary
Subject: Changing Calendars From Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be
honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate,
I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company
calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer
and are ready to be distributed with the following new months: Januark,
Februark, Mak, Julk.
I also changed all the days of each week to: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak,
Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.
We are now Y to K compliant!!!
VERSE VS. VERSE
A new pastor was visiting
in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that
someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the
door.
Therefore, he took out a
card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the
door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found
that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message,
"Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to
check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation
3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads,
"I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
Remember when the funniest
jokes were the clean ones? They still are! "A cheerful heart is good
medicine" (Prov 17:22a)
INTELLIGENCE IS THE KEY
One morning, the husband
returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat
out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her
book.
Along comes a game warden
in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning
Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking,
"Isn't that obvious?") "You're in restricted fishing area," he informs
her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but
you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do
that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched
you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the
equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can
also think.
SMART WOMAN
Eleven people were hanging
on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not
strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able
to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a
woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or
for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little
in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started
clapping their hands.......
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small
town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery
fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat
down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled
down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his
bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the
cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for
you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he
met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here
quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and
the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid,
can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted
though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence
they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's
see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered
through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man
and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and
tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One
for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the
fence and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to
town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike
NAVAJO WOMAN WISDOM
Sally was driving home from
one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and
quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would
like a ride. After a bit of small talk and while resuming the journey
the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's
in the bag?" asked the woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I
got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment then speaking with the quiet
wisdom of an elder said, .........."Good trade."
SENIOR MOMENTS
Three old gentlemen are
walking on the ramp. First one says, "Windy, isn’t it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!" Third one says, "So
am I. Lets go get a beer."
-----------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s
perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What
kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
-----------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of
days later the doctor spoke to
Morris and said, "You’re
really doing great, aren’t you?" Morris replied,
"Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.’ " The doctor said, "I
didn’t say that. I said, ‘You got a heart murmur. Be careful.’"
------------------------------------
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the
wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!" "It’s not
just one car," said Herman. "It’s hundreds of
them!"
--------------------------------------
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends’ home
for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded
every request to his wife with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc... The couple had been married almost 70 years,
and clearly they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the
kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it’s
wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those
loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell
you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years
ago"
Due to the changes in the economy,
there will be several companies
merging to remain competitive. Here is a list of a few of these:
1. XEROX and WURLITZER.
(They're going to make reproductive organs)
2. FAIRCHILD ELECTRONICS and HONEYWELL COMPUTERS.
(The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild)
3. POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS and KEEBLER.
(The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker)
4. W.R. GRACE CO., FULLER BRUSH CO., MARY KAY COSMETICS, and HALE
BUSINESS SYSTEMS.
(The new company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)
5. 3M and GOODYEAR.
(The new company will be called MMM Good)
6. JOHN DEERE and ABITIBI-PRICE.
(The new company will be called Deere Abi)
7. HONEYWELL, IMASCO and HOME OIL.
(The new company will be called Honey, IM Home)
8. DENISON MINES, ALLIANCE and METAL MINING.
(The new company will be called Mine All Mine)
9. GREY POUPON and DOCKERS PANTS.
(The new company will be called Poupon Pants)
10. KNOTT'S BERRY FARM and THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN.
(The new company will be called Knott NOW)
11. ZIPPO MANUFACTURING, AUDI, DOFASCO and DAKOTA MINING.
(The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da)
Subject: Memo from Santa
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South
Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Alabama on Christmas
Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current
population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American
Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I
also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, your children will be in good
hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third
cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He
shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls;
however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch's stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba
Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds [or a Moon
Pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips, though,
so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by
floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake
of lending him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now
overhangs Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on
Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead,
you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and
Petty."
5."Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been
replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear
Bubba's elves respond, "I hear'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws,
Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back
with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics
such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful
Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead,
you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
the Bandit IV" featuring Burt
Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into
each other. And finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I
were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way
when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa
POEM FOR
COMPUTER USERS OVER 40
A computer was something on TV
From a Science Fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the father of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
A Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
Author unknown
-------
This one was
contributed by Lula Holeman, editor of the Pack
Rat Gazette, who is the very best kind of a "True
Southerner"....
Things A True Southerner Knows
*The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.
*Pretty much how many fish make a mess.
*What general direction cattywampus is.
*That "gimme sugar" doesn't mean pass the sugar.
*When someone is "fixin" to do something, it won't be long!
*How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.
*Knows what "Well, I swanee!!" means.
*Ain't nobody's biscuits like grandma's biscuits.
*A good dog is worth his weight in gold.
*Good gravy does NOT come from a store!!
*When "by and by" is.
*The difference between 'pert' near and a right fer piece.
*Never go snipe hunting twice.
*Never assume that a car with a flashing turn signal is going to
actually
make a turn.
*You may wear long sleeves but you should always roll them up above your
elbows.
*You should never loan your tools, gun or pick-up to nobody!!
*A belt serves a greater purpose than holding up dad's pants.
*Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.
*That rocking chairs with older people in them are history lessons.
*That "mama and them's" is an actual place.
*The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and trailer trash.
God bless Dixie!!
* * *
And here's
another via that same fun-loving source...
Subject: Southern
Astrology
Some of us (especially Southerners)
are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that our
present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should
get rid of them. When out and about, one can
see bulls, and once in a great while, even a ram. Up the street, there may
be some twins. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see
crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and
no water bearers anywhere. Virgins? The town's not crawling with them either.
What we need are SOUTHERN signs.
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20): Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the
inside. Okra have
tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon
Pies.
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19): Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, can
make something of himself
if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like
Vesuvius. Chitlins are best
with Catfish and Okra.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20): You have an overwhelming curiosity. Boll Weevils are
dissatisfied with the surface
of things, and feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, they are very intense and driven
as if they had some inner
hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE (Mar 21 - April 20): Moon
Pies spend a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize
Moon Pies. Sweet but flaky are the key words here. Mixing Moon Pies
with any other sign too soon results in a real mess. Okra and Collards
are your opposites. Consider marrying Crawfish later in life during the Spring.
POSSUM (APR 21 - May 21): When
confronted with life's difficulties, Possums have a marked tendency to
withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become
so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably
not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however,
it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21): Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're
always hanging around the
water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You
tend to be not particularly
attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23): Collards
have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of
those around them. Collards
make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are
Collards, stay away from
Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23): Catfish
are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although ones' whiskers
may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people
to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life.
Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23): Your
highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel
though, so maybe you should
think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs.
If you can go somewhere
where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23):
You have a passionate
desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find
that your personality is
much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear.
You should go right ahead
and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure
that people will always
pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (October 24 - Nov 22):
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along
well with everybody. You,
as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting.
You can sit next to
anybody. However, you too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21): You
have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite
gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit,
worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with
anything about today.
You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but
Possum is another somewhat
kinky, mating possibility.
* * *
* * *
For more Internet pass-along
jokes, visit our Archives.
*
* *
To
the best of our knowledge, none of the material published here is
copyrighted. However, if we have inadvertently goofed in this
department, please notify editor@gozarks.com
immediately and corrective action will be taken! Thanks!
|
